Le day five

Friday 29th July

7:30am, "code. code. wake up darl". "mum?". "mate we have slept in, it's 730" "oh fuck!!!!! I'm up and will be ready in 5 out the front". I'm a terribly blank person when I'm late, and while me and mum hurry around gathering our things I fret endlessly about missing my plane. 

12pm, Melbourne domestic, Q-Club, pretend I've been flying in and out of the club since i was 13 like im beiber. Turns out I'm the only one that was raised on the smell of a oily rag and thinks there is some form of social prestige associated with the club. I realise this and take as much free food and drink as i can… as per.

4pm, After many flight delays I finally arrive in Sydney. While i wait for my buddy on a bench seat I notice myself smiling and realise i look like a christian, so i hood up. I'ma smilin because the buddy that's on his way to pick me up is my youth, in all its bus egging, beach party wristie, beer bongingness, the core and what might seem as acts of immaturity, they were stronger life lessons than any boot camp or summer school, things i hope my kids will some day experience. 

5pm, We spend a traffic clogged hr drive from the airport to his place in padington (or one of those other nice sydney places) is filled with hilarious reminiscent convo, the guy is so insightful and ererytime we hang it seems that we have both been watching,listening,reading……ing completely different stuff so there is plenty of content to converse…. Hold the phone what's this. Our conversation is abruptly interrupted by the passing of two horse mounted police….. Not so weird I hear you say, well this was two females and im sexist so what the fuck are women doing in such powerful jobs…….. not really. They were twin sisters, so identical that they had their ponytails slung over the same shoulder and the same blue bow in their hair was in the tail of the horses. Liam referenced it to being something out of a David Lynch movie which i said I will go catch up on, yet still as i sit here on my computer i haven't checked that reference…. ill do it later.

Night-3am, A lot happened, maybe even more than that that I don't remember. Details are scarce(ish) so I'll point form my memories.

- Went to some hip norfolk place saw the best side-boob I've ever seen, maybe seen it too long because the next time i went for a peak it was jacketed (note to self: learn to be a better creep) also ate some tacos that burnt my mouth so bad but everyone else seemed to be okay with (note to self: don't show so much emotion when your mouth is burning)

-Liam DJ'd at World bar, me and mark from his band had a sword fight in the toilets and got the door kicked in and nearly thrown out for trading drugs… the hole matter was resolved when a piss soaked toilet roll was evidence that I was far to much of a immature drunk to trade drugs.

-After been away from women for so long I was pointing out how hot all the ladies in the place were to the boys, I pointed a little to close to a girls face and she grabbed my finger and then, much to my surprise performed a solid minute of what I will call the best I've ever had "finger oral" on my pointing finger. I played it cool to the boys as if it was common play with me, but inside i was shitting myself and goggling on my iPhone for 'what to do next' advice. There was no reception so I lent in for a make out… apparently the kids don't do that anymore and she just gave me her number…. I got a confused nose bleed.

-I met up with a girl I knew from before… we briefly made out and I thought she must be from the old school. Then she took me by the hand outside, for what I thought was a possible one night stand. Yet when I asked where are we going her reply "to meet my boyfriend" punched my presumptive thought about the oldschool thing in the guts. 

-Woke up with no recollection of how I made 50 calls to a variety of female numbers with out getting a pick up from any of them. I also got into a text with a really cool nice girl in which i ended by typing back to her: "im going to bed" with: "In the words of Timberland what goes arkdfhg cone arujjj"…. I guess the point of the story is if you haven't yet given me your number and were considering it..Don't, if i get drunk no one is safe.

Day Four

Thursdy (not a spelling mistake, patriotism) 28th July

10am, Oh my, what is this. For the first time in 35 days I wake up later than 5. It feels amazing, if it wasn't for the greenish purple bruising covering 70-80% of my body i'd almost say it was the best sleep in I've ever had. God daughter has delivered by making pancakes…. Win. 

1pm, I've come to see my aunty Janice. It's so good to see her. It has been years,  and not just a couple. She is frail. My Mum, who has been through caring for people on their final days many times, explains it best " when people have cancer the body knows where it is heading and it has time to prepare for it. She has shrunk and taken back to baby form, curling up in to the position she was in when she first ever rested in the womb". Janice sees me and instantly smiles, telling me how good it is to see me and how I've become my own man. This is the most affect anyone has ever had on me. Her strength, while weighing all but nothing, is incredible. Still talking, still able to stand and most importantly still able to grasp me in a straight jacket of a hug. I can't remember the last time I cried for anything other than a movie. My entirety cries, my arms are weak and an overwhelming feeling of unknown surges throw me. I realise I'm a weak,pathetic person when I leave the room after Janice says to my Mum "what's happening, where am I going". My mum has done this stuff time and time again, once again she proves to be a much greater soul than I have, or ever will meet/met. As me and my god daughter walk to the car she(without tears) says to me " Poor Janny, she will be happier soon". Child enlightenment is a thing of beauty. I choke on my words for quite some time.

6pm, In Janices honour we have a beautiful meal, a red or two and a fire, which, I being the only male try to take over and get all bear grills on but fail and have to live the humiliation while my female cousins own me in a fire making off.  Good times, great stories, most importantly a rare delight of family bonding…… for everything else there's mastercard.

Check that scenery. Harrietville, beautiful!!!

Day Tre

Wednesday 27th July

6am, I'm awake. So when the alarm on my phone goes off, I thank It for being an hour later than it had been all of last month(even if routine didn't allow for a real sleep in, an unforced one is sometimes as good). Straight to the shower. I'm giddy, the snow is top priority with me. If I had the option of either scoring fresh tracks in japan all day or getting my cock in and around Miranda Kerrs many entries, I'm sorry but I'd have to pause for like 45 seconds before I realise that I could film the Miranda gig and black mail her and Orlando for enough coin to live in Japan for the rest of my happy days. So yeah I'd turn Miranda into pleasure mountain for the greater good. 

4pm, I spent too much time on 6am, so the day spent falling on my ass(cuts and bruises to prove) up at Hotham, on my own, is going to have to be condensed into poem. ( I was going to write "a few words" where I wrote "poem" so the whole poem thing has surprised me and I may be out of my depths here but I'll have a crack)

On my butt 

The proof of pain, a cut

Spending a day alone in the snow

LIke a party in the day time, not worthy of blow

The potential this place has is frustrating

The bruise close to my sphincter makes me think, constipating?

Oh also the bus driver that….. drove the bus(nnerrrr) took his job way to seriously. There was only me and an old couple on the bus and we were both sitting down the front, ears distance from his mouth. He knew this, we knew this, but he went and used that muffled microphone to point out the obvious outer window sights didn't he. 

Night pm, Have dinner with family that I haven't seen in along time. My god daughter is in grade 5 and is amazingly cute, she has the cool quirkiness of someone who will do crazy creative stuff when she is older, I'm jealous haha. When we get home she lets me take the bottom bunk and I offer the chance to talk boys and stuff. She reiterates that she thinks I'm lame and tells me I'm a pussy for wanting a night light. Sleep.

Don't be fooled, that's all ice ice baby.

Day 2

Tuesday 26th July

12am, I arrive back to my humble abode after an hour drive home from brissy airport with Joel. Some brothers don't get along, but we spend the entire time deep in convo, time flies in conversation. 

1am, Still wide awake, I check all the regular sites, talk to a philly in an attempt to line up some attention…. it's late, no avail. Sleep.

6am and a couple more hours, I'm straight out of bed like my body has been trained to be for the last month. Before I even realise I'm awake, I pack all my snow gear and am walking out the door to go check the waves….. Waves are nice but I don't have enough time to enjoy. Joel picks me up again this time in a massive moving truck, when he drops me off at the airport it looks like it has been hired just too carry my bags, some old dude gives me a weird look as I grab my stuff out of the back so I smack the son of a bitch upside the head. Bokononism.

10am, Girl at the desk for Jetstar is so cute, Her name is Kellie (marochydore airport, anyone know her?), I search her desk for a last name so I can cowardly add her on Facebook later and use a thesaurus to make her think I'm smart… I mean intelligent. I don't find it and spend 45 minutes in the departures lounge trying to think of something good to say to get a date with her….. I start watching a surfing edit with a moving song in it and I forget about it completely. 

12pm, Sydney domestic airport is Australia's most prestigious public cat walk. Virgin girls have me once again thinking of a real life way to talk to strange girls….. search for last names…. I come up with a good call but i'm in the shower and it's 20 minutes later….. ohhhh brother. 

3pm, I've landed in Albury, 7 airports in 28hrs. As I flew in I wondered if I could find that country setting where Lisa Mitchell sat on the swing and gave her little interviews for Idol from. If this was possible I then fathom if somehow that would be helpful in my everlasting conquest to one day marry her?. I get off the plane, mum is tear in eye, waiting. Mum is everything I like in myself, she is directly responsible for anything good I have ever thought,done,said,will…… 

3.15pm, Me and Mum are heavy convo for the next 2 hours, as always. It's always the deepest and intelligent conversation with the old cheese. She has the essence of it all, life experience a plenty. And a vocab worthy of Macquarie cats. I try to be as insightful, most of my stuff is "a brief history of philosophy" rehashed spew though. None the less these times are some of my most valued learnings.

7pm, After dinner with my cousin Leanne and Greg, which I might add is always enjoyable, those guys have done their fair share of living and they told me a story I'll use later as my own. Me and Mum head to my aunties house. Outside it is like -2 degrizzles, but wait what's this, heated flooring….. has anyone ever experienced this shit? EPIC. Lay all my cloths for the morning out and fall into a pleasant, well needed sleep. 

Adventure Part Uno (Italian for one. I can't help it I'm worldly)

I recently had a bit of an adventure for my 9 days off. I'm going to post a days details a day.....a day. Once they are all written I'll re-post it as a complete post.

Monday 25th july. DAY 1

5am, I wake up to the sounds of reverend Tyler Lopez, a half black half latino, blatino chistian precher. My South african room mate has the preachings on so loud that I wonder if there is a metaphor or simile that would describe how loud the TV is….. but it was too loud and I couldn't think.

6am, After a little breakfast at the mess hall I return to my room. Safa is still hard out listening to this preacher, regardless of the fact that he is openly racist, he seems genuinely interested in it. SSSSSIIIIIIIIRRRRRREEEEEEENNNNNN the fire alarm sounds and everybody staying in blocks D and E converge on the car park to be marked off. I'm in tight jeans and get 16 nice jean calls in total. A couple of Irish lads tell me "you loocky count" in regards to my flying out today and then I return to my room to finish packing.

8am, walking to catch the bus I run into my mate maggie the pirate, he is a magpie who only has one leg. I pay homage to him buy pledging to spend the next five minutes hoping around on one leg…. I lasted 15 seconds and the whole escapade had me respecting him even more than before.

10am, I'm on the plane. I've done my fair share of flying in the last 12 months, from this i have acquired a couple of DO'S for flying.

- When they say, for taking off and landing all electronic devices should be turned off don't turn your phone off at all just put it to flight mode, although you cant really do anything with a flight moded phone it gives you that rebellious feeling you got the first time you stole a lolly from a shop….. Wynona type shit. 

-Don't recline your chair straight away. This is a rookie error, wait till you want to sleep. Actually up until that point make yourself as uncomfortable as possible, believe me when you recline and get comfy, it will be a comfort previously only experienced in a sealy postra……

-Always go to the toilet while everyone lines up for the first boarding call. It will help in spending time in the line feeling like a douche for standing up and waiting in a spot where you can see the spot u were just comfortably sitting and you wont have to go through the torment of needing to piss in the 10 minutes from when the seatbelt sign comes on a turns off.

-This one isn't advice it's just something I do. Every plane meal i get i eat the biggest to the smallest thing on the plate(this includes the little milk thing and any other liquids) this way I use the packaging in a russian doll kind of way, stacking e'erything inside itself. The plus is it becomes very stable and you wont have rubish floating around. I did this today and wondered if this is where the human race got their plan of action towards what gets eaten when…. cause as it would be eating in this manner is pretty much spot on to the general rule of thumb…… main-desert-drink-----

11am, Touch down in perth. The plane is full with FIFO workers who fly at least 2 flights a month, yet for some reason some fucking douche packer stands up before the seatbelt sign has dimmed as if he is to important to wait… as always the attendant asks him to sit and wait for the light to go off.. he obliges and looks like a cock…. that momentarily pissed me off 

12pm, Slide back to my old pad in Como to pick up some things i had left there last time i moved out. While I waited for Jack and his snookypoo to go to her house to get a key to the house Jake rocked up and we talked shit as per…. he tried to steal my shoes than had me feeling pretty okay about going half and half with him.. shoes wise….. than it looked shit so he just drpped me back at the airport.

4pm, I'm sitting in qantas club waiting for my flight back to brisbane. I'm new to the club so i feel the need every few minutes to yell words like NASDAQ or BUY into my phone to fit in with the general suit clad army up in here.

5pm-11pm, I watch the sunset over a blanket of clouds out the window of the plane, I'm listening to M83, so the whole experience was that mush(thats a spelling mistake for much but i think it works better) more enjoyable. Post watching this sunset I started to read Cats Cradle By Kurt Vonnegut, 4 hours later I satisfyingly turned the final page, sore eyed, chuffed and inspired M83 still played and I looked t'ward the future like some form of sudo-philosopher.  That book is filled with quote gold……

 "Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way."

I'm a devote Bokononist now, which is, in the true sense of Bokonism a complete lie.

 My mining home.

The M83 sunset.