change

I am constantly overwhelmed by "change"... Not knowing whether the right decision has been made... Always excited to find out? yet contradictory to that emotion there isn't a change that while feeling the excited anticipation of future I haven't also felt loss and sadness for the longing/wanting to keep the good things that you can take with you. When i think back over the zenith changes in my life i am always reminded of the fact that I took the "get it before it gets me" approach to change and was always the push behind the movement.... but still remains the wondering what if's... (i know i always use this "i'm sitting here" first person writing style but) I'm sitting in my donger its new years eve everyone i know is having fun and i know that should be the reason behind this sadness I'm feeling but its not, there has been a cyclone announced and tomorrow my work swing will be cut 4 days short as of evacuations are to happen, this will be my last night on the island for good(or at least a coupla years) and everything happening has left me getting my think on................................... and while the last 6 months i have felt solitude, loneliness, restriction, entrapment and all the other emotional restraints i have melodramatically winged about, i have also enjoyed  (for the first time ever) having spare moneys, maturing(some what), being respected for doing a solid and a new found self knowing(that comes hand in hand with spending most of your time with yourself).  I've spoke about the couple of dickheads out on this place i've met to my friends for the comedic value they have offered to get me through, what i haven't spoken of is all the good people i have met, it has been the first time i've worked with such a large group of people (something over 100) and i think i was the island bicycle being pasted from crew to crew allowing me to meet most of said work force. Considering we do little work out her there was plenty of time to get to know these people and it opened my mind too the fact, even though it was probably the most diverse group of peeps i've ever met, common ground was (post the small talk) they were all good solid people i got along with swimmingly, people that i now find myself while sooooo excited for the next frontier, really quite sad that i will most probably never see these people again. I have had chats with a lot of them that i would regard better then the talk i have with friends of years, in this comes my overwhelmed''''ment.... this last 6-9 months of my life have been very different to the 6 years that came before them and in my future plans i know i will be satisfied that i have made the right decision but god dam the feeling of change/loss/gain from its extremities of death to the smallest sadness u feel when u will no longer get taunted by some old bastard that years later you will realise taught you more then any teacher....Or the great sadness you feel for loosing a 60 year old kiwi friend who only talks about Jimi Hendirx

Barrow you're bringing me down
But i love you    
(thats the opposite to the smash hit "new york i love u but you're bring me down")

below by far the greatest human on the planet

god don't boss me around its christmas and I'm having a shitty day

The air-conditioning is at 18 degrees but outside its just hit 50, it's christmas day and as some form of self giving moment in order to not totally loose contact with the happiness that is christmas me and my work crew have opted for a little air-con truck talk time (this is common practise and really in the searing barron land of barrow is nearly as rewarding as a christmas present). I'm (oddly enough) in a bit of a daze while the other boys are talking about some undercover boss show(its been a long time since I have consciously watched tv) that I'm not at all familiar with but I over hear the gist of the show. While they are rumbling on, on comes "one of us" by Joan Osborne. At the time I pay very little attention to it but I do notice the whole scene sort of make a subconscious movie log in my mind(I'm pretty sure given the circumstances I'm thinking what the fuck am I doing here on christmas there are so many other people and other places I should be).  Later on in the shower (the place I go to think the most) the whole scene floods back at first I detest the thought, as anything work related should be left between the paid hours.. but then i realise my mind is trying to get to a different point its linking the song and tv show together......And by god don't i ponder this for quite some time. In the show I'm told the boss comes in disguised as a worker and finds all the bad things happening in his/her company and tries to rectify them. Then that theory cross pollenated with what if god was one of us just a undercover boss like one of us tinkered in my mind. I started thinking of all the stuff that if said god was legitimate (and not just a character in a book that has about as much evidential truth as frodo or jonathan livingston seagull i mean in the end the only real difference is one was written about a longer time ago) then what would he change would he really be as judgemental as his preachers and followers make him out to be and if so......... would anyone really get to keep there jobs?

also no funny post scrips this time sorry haven't really had all that many comedic inspirations of late what with all the red dust and dick head old dudes with broken lives telling me I'm an idiot for quitting such a high paying job that has left them with 3 divorcees taking everything they have ever worked for... na na cheers for the advice old alcoholic with bad bad sunglasses tan to the point where I took a photo of you the other day thinking I'd spotted the first 6 ft racoon



pps merry christmas check where i spent it

pathetic i know

if anyone wants to comment positively or negatively.... i welcome it... hell i wouldn't be surprised if a comment or two would give me pre cum.... with that in mind men and mum maybe steer clear of commenting cause pre cum and those two groups is an awkward scenario actually even mentioning anything the such is awkward but the delete button is all the way over the back corner of the key board and at this current time i cant conjure the strength to press it.... i feel like writing something weird and impulsive as i usually do in an attempt to make myself indie comedic but some one just threw a gold fish at my iphone and i dont want my angry birds to eat it so i have no time for such immature chin waggery

the day before you go back to work itis

Its waiting time again… some people dread sundays because they know what lies ahead strenuous work, annoying bosses, annoying co-workers, annoying annoyances….. The realisation that for the next 5 days you are going to have at least 8 hours a day of doing something your not entirely pumped about.

I'm sitting in Sunshine coast airport, its tuesday and although work is not till friday i begin getting sundayitis early in the count.. this is not of the common flavour "itis". Im not anticipating the hard work, the many annoying work related hassles… no i'm more scared of the waiting that is about to slowly pick away at my soul for the next month, a time in which i will think about every thought i have just thought about, i will dissect and redissect all of my past, present and future decisions. Some embrace the waiting and call it relaxing… to those people i say relaxation is only an enjoyable experience if there is an ensuing unrelaxing situation in which you can counter appreciate the "lessness" of the relax(or for you cool kids(wether on or off the block)chillax).  I love just typing away with your thoughts and coming up with a philosophical call… Although i usually proof read these little blurbs of shit 4 days later and think god ur a dick head who do you think u are sacrotes pull it in…… Cheers australian upbringing(don't think to much or u will realise ur a wanker…… give us a beer i feel like tackling something) 

eye candy

Ive watched this 73 times and counting. Its like going to a candy store but all the candy is inspiring you to become something more than you are...... pretty much desire to a DD...

.

standing in the shower my nose begins to bleed..i'm thinking, im not talking level one thoughts, im talking code red deep level 10 shit.. am i having an Aneurysm... no but close. Some how from where i dont know a memory entered my head, "what is heavier a kilo of bricks or a kilo of feathers" my step mum says, Always wanting to be first no matter the cost i abruptly answer"bricks" yes i know im wrong.. after my memory i think whats longer a metre of rope or a metre of elastic and is the measurement of elastic stretched or un stretched and if the latter does that mean the elastic is actually longer... ten minutes have past my room mate knocks on the door and says whats taking u fuck... whys my nose bleeding... this is not important enough to blog about im sorry if u have read this and are thinking cheeses that was a waste of time but if u think that then sympathise with me i waste time on shit like this every hour where does it come from.... I blame SPC tinned food they are the real super power of this earth, any one profiteering from sheer scare tactics as incase food(incase there is a storm incase all the real food dies incase u break ur legs and cant get to fresh food for days) will not and by no one else should not be trusted .... their we go again wasted time hey look there's a bird... if u looked up for a bird we are like minded people... keen?

My chat roulette experience.... (try read in 25 seconds to live the story in real time)

Click..... Dude laying on his bed, arm in 90 degree angle,  head resting on it as if to let me know he understands and just wants to talk.... As i press Click again i realise that everything about the last empty bullet chamber was cliche american....Click close up of a guy masterbating.... caught off guard Click (wish i made a homo call then realise i'm not homophobic while i wait for the next shot i think surely there is a better way for old mate to get a start) Click naked chick on screen live trying to get me to go to her website i associate nudity and live with sex quickly cum ask her name and tell her this never happens she clicks i begin ritualistic post sex crying...... Click pants all stuck to me and tears starting to pour a naked guy masturbating in a NY hat laying in understanding pose asks me if everything is okay... i close the computer and vow never to visit chat roulette again......Click Cum Cry (sounds a whole lot like new age dot com love?)

top lip life

Growing up I was all smiles. Please's, thank you's, your looking nice, may I...... I had learnt this type of behaviour from advice that would be maybe the pinnacle of my pre teen learnings. Advice which had come to me in a drunken slur from a man I nicknamed "dad" (the nick name had stuck when 9 months BCT(Before cody turnbull(are brackets with in barckets legal or do u need inception approval from leo himself)))he had impregnated my mother, "dad" as i called him at the time was slung in free fall after being punched for being too drunk in his local watering hole, as he feel he looked me dead in the eye and said"you" unfortunately the impact of his head hitting the smokers gutter at the base of the bar had rendered him unconscious before he could finish the advice. Later on he would tell me "you have to go along to get along or get along to go along" he was a bit cloudy still from the booze/knock out combo. So thats what i did i got going along. When i was old enough to shave i applied this get along theory to my facial hair, as to not offend or mislead people to believe i was anything but friendly, by keeping clean cut but not to clean. You can see evidence in the photo below.

This was all well and good until came a time in my life where people were taking advantage of this kind nature and squeezing everything they could get out of me. As this does to most, i started to want to rebel, yet i quickly swallowed it down deep and developed a ripe old case of Dissociative identity disorder. 

You can also see evidence of this in the photo below. His name is jeremy, and yeah i know its scary too look at but some where in there is me.

Jeremy in the end won out and he soon found ways to make me more bad ass everyday. Eventually he (with his great analytical skills) had worked out that as bikies have tattoos and leather and fighters have tap out clothing, he needed to find the definitive common link found in all rebellious teens...... And with that came this pathetic attempt at man lip. This guaranteed him the stigma of "juvenile delinquent".... and yes all attempts at getting girls were to no surprise shutdown or ended in teen pregnancy.

In the end good won over evil and i was again my cheery happy go lucky self, although the life that jeremy had made for me was one in which this kind of behaviour was not accepted, so with out further a-due i got my self out of that threatening friend circle the only way i knew how……..POW camps and gas chambers…..

i deleted and re-wrote this title 10 times and in the end decided it would be title-less

It was 5:30 am, in an uber daze i was sitting in the perth international airport, doing my best not to lock eyes with anyone across from me. Mainly just not to deal with an awkward stare but also in that state of daze I am always paranoid/self conscious. There was a woman, age 22, 5'5, all the trimmings, I was still a daze and fighting in my mind with myself what would be the in to talk to this girl.... as always the winner of this fight comes around 10 hours later when i finally think of something witty and smooth enough that im sure it would work.... much to my disappointment fate doesn't wait 10 hours. But thats neither here nor there nor ever rewarding. Although a lot of my bad decisions have been made in said daze, never does it go un credited as my favourite state. It means I have just come out the other side of something that in the midst I would of question if there was ever going to be light at the end.....of the tunnel. 

This story is the lead up and lead down of my longest favourite mind set to date.

daze |dāz|verb [ trans. ] (usu. be dazed)make (someone) unable to think or react properly; stupefy; bewilder : she was dazed by his revelations | [as adj. ] (dazed) he staggered home dazed and confused.

Flying in and out of karatha to barrow island had been a daily occurrence for the last 24 days, I had 6 left when i was given accommodation on the island and no longer had the flight schedule of a pilot. After going to be at 2 that morning and waking at 4 (knowing i was going on night shift) I was to fly for the last time to barrow (the whole process of flying in through quarantine and busing around an what not takes around 4 hours) I attempted to go straight to sleep 11 came and i was dozing off. This didn't last long 3 hours later i awoke waited for a couple and started the first of 6 nights of 12 hours work and around 3 hours sleep. On the final night I worked till 3 am, didn't have enough time to sleep so just chilled in my room, packed, ate and all the other doings. We flew out on break at 11 and arrived in perth 2 hours later. I had a million things to do before my 6 o'clock flight the next morning to Java. These things finished around 9 that night where i made the "dazed" decision to get drunk and hang out with my wang out till around 2 that morning.... i woke at  4 for the flight(late i might add), so in reflecting I had slept 18 hours in 6 nights then had gone from waking up at 1 pm on my last day of work and going to sleep 25 hours later only to wake 2 hours later....3 coffees and i was in full daze mode.(I'm no longer bored so i'm going to finish this story up quick) What followed was as follows; 6 hr flight to Kuala Lumpur(NS) which was delayed so i had an hr to change planes (involving going in and out of the same airport...dont fly cheap get connecting flight) i just made the plane flew 2 hrs to jakarta (NS) drove 7 hrs too Cimaja (NS) ...cheers traffic, arrived at my hotel so dazed id come full circle and was ready to get pissed and talk shit with my brother...... he was sick and asleep fuck my life (and not fml this was more then an acronym)...What followed was 7 days of waves cold brews good food and even better company, laughs a plenty and another minimal daze on the return trip.. 

I haven't read back over this for fear of keeping myself awake and snowballing my self into a daze when i'm not in a situation where i can afford to daze. If it doesn't make sense, then have enough sense to get 10 cents and buy yourself a pretence so it all appears to make sense.

Hot showers and running cars

Here are a couple of pictures from the island on which I work and am doing my part to provide gas and oil to the rest of the world... hence keeping your showers hot and cars a-runnin. No don't thank me its all in a days work, just enjoy the hot water. Really it's no problem.

flawed quote by a flawed guy on a floor-ed rug

i was in a daze sitting on the floor thinking of all the times i have had to explain myself after being called a liar from strangers when speaking in regards to the accomplishments of my friends(most people i know are doing better things then most or i just think their legends enough for it to be seen this way in my eyes). This is a thought commonly broached when solo floor sitting with out remembering when or how i got to the floor from my bed. I came to the conclusion that "i'd be everything i wanted to be life it wasn't for my will power...fuck u will power"(this is known as buck passing when there is no-one else to pass to just give it to your subconscious) Right there and then i changed my whole perspective on shit i decided to do everything i wanted to do and become everything i could... short lived once i found all this couldn't be acheived online from the comfort of my mouse pad, big ups to people doing shit that other people wish they were doing.
I am constantly telling your stories to people I meet, and every time people are equally impressed as I am.

right? you're asking the question, you answer it!

2 weeks of passing "how ya going mate"'s were not fulfilling my fixation on finding out the cogs of this mans mind. To everyone else he was spoken of as a gentlemen in the most "Hank Moody" sense of the word, a player, casanova..... This generalisation is one of my favourite, because it is a known fact that those of Don Juan  nature are stereotypically full to the brim with confidence, and more so in the legitimate man of such ways is a confidence in which backed up by their (as close as you can be) contentment with themselves, hence the attraction of women to confident men, "if he is that sure of himself then surely he is the proverbial perfect catch". But this stems not only to females yet also to males like myself, where the judgment is "why's he so stoked surely if I do as he do I to can do to whom I please as I may do"(maybe your judgements don't contain so many 2 lettered words ending in O). Although from the sociological point of view especially in pre 30's men this is usually faked (even if not known to the presenter) and grass rooted from being over appreciated for something in their teens. How ever the mate  of whom i was asking "how ya going" was tittering on 60 and had long since forgotten the times when him and his friends would run ravage on a group of ...... groupies post a football match. No this mans confidence was genuine.

I was lucky enough to get put on a contract where me and my mate would be working alongside each other, and as luck would have it, the contract didn't demand much of the two of us so we were given a lot of time to talk(i asked he talked). I started slow with the hobbies, spouse, off spring..... you know. Then worked my way into the nitty gritty past, happiness, sadness, death? life? all the deep stuff. I could rattle on and on about everything I learnt from the Jedi, but it seemed that everything he told me came back to the same thesis "you're asking the questions answer them!" not so much so that he wouldn't enlighten me with a well detailed story for every point put across yet at the end of every story reinforcing that fact that there is no advice, book, movie, human... that you can model your life off. Do everything as you do and pay no time to the thought process that takes you away from that first answer. The whole thing was as contradictory as christianity, for if I listened and begun trying to live in this style I was then following advice...... but fuck it he is 60 and still gets tail like Vincent Chase so i'll take a little advice.
Where all the white women at... i'm contempt... i promise


Anyone for some more rhetorical.... taste like confusion

dumb gay kids or worried gay kids?

Awakening on the plane this afternoon was like every other day. I had been awake for 13 hours(12 of which were work) and had just landed after a 30 minute flight, and as usual I had fallen deep asleep prior to the customary safety talk. The guy next to me had presumed I was just pretending to sleep(or he was just a ass) and had lent over to say "fuck you'd think these cunts would work this shit out considering we do it every fucking day", not the best sound to wake up to but none the less i was awake. He was talking about how every day we land at the same time but for  different reason every time it takes around 45 minutes for our bus to collect us off the tarmac. It's a drag but we are all getting paid and we are only heading back to camp anyway there isn't much back there. The fella next to me didn't say anything after that, he just sat an scoffed every few minutes making it clear that he wasn't Happy with the situation.

The steward at the front of the plane was a maybe 19 year old boy from Perth, he was as gay as my tap jazz classes in grade 4 had hope to make me, this bothered me not in the slightest. However I was wide awake and bored so i eavesdropped a little on his and the stewardesses conversation. At first nothing great some home and away gos a little politics which i don't understand so cant judge on and some general fellow workers slagging. This was all well and good until he started talking about really stupid stuff....like asking what the flag was on the side of the V Australia planes were and how impressive his friends sit covers were..... there was so much of this type talk but i sort of blacked out and cant remember the gold stuff but it was bad. It made me remember sitting in the spa one night on the sunshine coast and there was a gay dude and his friend in there and they were talking about being afraid of the crocs in the maroochy river and typical dumb teen gay stuff. It made me semi annoyed for a second i couldn't pick up on the link between the gay cliche and stupidity and ignorance.

I spent the next couple of hours thinking about this because there was nothing more interesting that had happened to me since and it finally dawned on me!?! these teen queens had spent the time that most of us had spent learning worrying about what their fathers or friends were going to think of them... they spent this time shitting themselves, and within a dawning i had another dawning. Was the general old school disapproval of homosexuality to blame for these guys only just starting to ask the stupid questions we all asked in primary school, now? And all of a sudden i went from annoyed with the dumbness of this guy to feeling utterly sorry for him.... these guys weren't dumb they were just finally getting the chance to learn.

In closing if a homosexual guy asks u can fat people go skinny-dipping? be sympathetic and explain the explanation.

the public boat test...

There are few things in life that actually piss me off. I think the agglomeration of bad luck in my late teens is to thank/blame for this, and now pointless confrontations and common annoyances (waiting in lines, getting Spanglish/asianlish/idianlish speaking people for phone services....) really faze me as much as tripping but not falling over. So when something does come along and i find myself angry, I take time to analyze the situation and it isn't long before I'm laughing about getting my phone stolen or getting beaten up. My first encounter with this type of anger appraisal was after a 6 hour public boat trip from Bali to Lombok with two good friends.


We had already driven around an hour early in the morning, squashed in a van with 9 seats and 42 people 6 board bags and a small petting zoo, the heat/humidity was like the inside of a coke bottle that had been left in the sun for the 3 hottest days of summer.


We had thought to go to Lombok only a few days prior to escape the filth sex pit of kuta. It was a shotgun plan and like all shot gun plans was made to be the cheapest and least researched possible. Once we were on the boat we realized that we were among 1000 locals and 10 other westerners who also looked like the types to cheap a quick trip with out thinking. This boat was massive almost like one of those old rusty red and black oil tankers that you see in movies except with out the usual suspects set in the foreground. The down stairs was filled to the brim with humans and chickens alike their was no pecking order, if a pig or a dog said you were in his seat you kindly apologized and moved on remembering the last time u tried to argue a locals authority.


Only minutes into the trip all three of us were feeling a little peckish (considering the last thing we had eaten was 12 or so hours ago and in the Bali spirit was probably evacuated quicker then it was entered),oh oh the selection was limited to beng bengs a rice chocolate treat or rice and spice in a banana leave, being over indulging westerners we gluttoned up and purchased both. Beng beng as always delivered a three way of smiles (yes much to our mothers dismay we had broken the dessert before dinner rule). The rice and spice I'm sure would have been great if they had remembered any of the ingredients other then hot, Soren (one of the friends) being the experienced globe trotter amongst us swallowed and took it as a means of survival, I chose to go hungry and Ken took a mouthful wigged out wiped his eye with chili hand and before me and Soren could appreciate the hilarity of the situation went on a step further and poured a littler of water into his eye socket getting about 10mls on the wound and the rest everywhere, it drew much attention from the locals so post haste we retreated to higher ground and found our way to the top floor. There was no man in a tux who opened the elevator doors and said "top floor kabana and pool area", there was no elevator... there was no floor. It looked like what was once a deck worthy of swabbing, had been high pressure hosed with sulphuric acid every chance the skipper could get....shit was rusty and dead looking. We also found this was common whitey hiding grounds. There was no shade, everyone was burnt and atop their burn more burn. At the front of the ship looking comfortably at home a expat of some sort who was either in his sixties or had just been on this boat ride for long enough to experienced a sulphuric shower, his old once white birken stocks and hemp shoulder slung bag let us all know whilst we were well outside our comfort zone, that rusted out seat he was laying on was as home as a mothers hug. A scatter of euro travel dogs were living up to their south-east asia trekking cliche, possibly having a story battle about how far they had rode or what monk they had drunk monkey blessed green Sumatran rhinoceros teak sap tea with. Finally the last couple were the butchest/loudest most American Harley riding lesbians Ive still to this day ever witnessed, they were trying to buy some of the riceospiceo mix but like so many idiot westos do they were having a crack at speaking the local tongue- getting to a word they didnt know and just finishing in English making it impossible for us to understand little own the poor lady that was resting 57kg of rice and heat on here head.


I'm tired now and need to sleep, i could go into even more detail to outline how fucked it was but the climax of the story is once we final got to the port we had to wait a further 2 hours to be docked we could see land..fuck we could see our names on the card the taxi driver was holding but i think if it had not been for this final straw myself,soren and ken would have never learnt that in these times the only cure is laughing at how utterly fucked the situation is we spent those two last hours on that boat crying from laughing so hard and from this point on in all my bad situations i have either gotten goose bumps from an epiphany from being so deep in  thought i touch lava, or cried and pissed my pants with laughter that from the experience on that boat the only way is up and I'm still climbing the ladder and hope never to reach the top floor.

What waited on the other side.....

hello or goodbye?

Contained in a 4m*3m donga for the 3.5 hours between getting home from work and going to bed, I have come to realize these hours of "my time" I get  without a friend, piano or a board of some sorts in sight is a quick way for me to store energy, itch, fiddle and solo conversate my way through a half awake half doze state that most would try label sleep. In an attempt to burn some of this fuel and cure my inability to ever really be totally awake/sleep I have been routinely eating dinner early-letting the food settle-then running on a tredmil for as long as possible......its droney and much like my work requires the thought depth that most would put into breathing. This leaves me a blank mind to fill for the most part of my day. It has taken me 23 years and 10 months to appreciate that i think a lot, about mostly nothing, although around 10 percent of these thoughts i enjoy that they may be some of  the only times I am truly doing something as close to original as possible. In these over influenced times, where as soon as you open your ears and/or eyes everything/one around you is trying to disturb your natural pure thoughts, that are unique to you like a thumb print or the sound of your laugh. I have gotten myself carried away here on trying to make the point that I'm blogging to savour these said thoughts before like most good things disappear faster then u can store their memory.

If you have happened to flock to this blog like the salmon of the North Atlantic(aka Atlantic salmon) do to the Becharof Wilderness, you are free to read away but if I get the slightest punctuation remark or spell check i will kill u and everyone your friends with on facebook, I'm not writing this to get penguin on board for a hard cover dan brown world tour, I'm just intending to read over this an laugh one day or hopefully have some one else read it and laugh....... hhahahahaha lol wtf rofl.

considering  none of what was typed above was funny i have a word''''s that sounds funny but is pretty serious and shit but i like to use as often as i can to get a laugh out of someone.....brain aneurysm

So i guess this is hello........ or goodbye?

The upgraded version of my living quarters